As I'm sure anyone who read the entry below this one or who knows me knows that my marriage of 6 years is over.
It ended in a trip to the psychiatric ward (hers), infidelity (hers), and calling it off after a few weeks of intensive therapy for a previously untreated mental condition (again...hers).
And man let me tell you that makes me feel pretty crappy.
Because on the one hand, she was sick and unhappy. I understand that. There were problems that had been coming and going, up and down over the past year and they weren't getting better very quickly or at all (though we were in counseling for that).
On the other, she cheated on me and lied to me about it and at least once when pressed acted like this was no big deal...like it was the only thing I was focusing on because everything else was my fault or horribly broken and all I had was this, and I quote, "so what?" issue of cheating. Now sure, she has since retracted and apologized for that...but man, that
hurt. It still hurts. it may always hurt, at least a little bit.
Not helping this is that she revealed the cheating after trying to push our doctor to give the thumbs up on a separation (I and I believe he were, to say the least, a bit blindsided). She also revealed this in two parts- once at the beginning of a discussion and then with additional details as I was angrily walking off to collect my thoughts and try to figure out what came next. Despite this when she checked herself into the ward I was there every day she except for two ( The first because visiting hours were over before I knew she'd been admitted and one Sunday which she told me take off because I'd been there every day...and that was a the day the guy she was cheating on me with came to visit). I was angry, pissed, and hurt but she was sick and she needed me. And so there I was. I told her stories and brought her things to make her feel better, less alone, and tried my best to deal with it. In the end she went into therapy elsewhere and then called it off a few weeks later after we had a few fights and a few decent conversations (at least one of the fights was largely about her repeatedly talking to the guy she cheated on me with).
So I have this conflicting war going on between two internal selves. One wants to, even though things didn't work out, be cool about it and give her space to fix her own problems and all that. Despite the last year or so and despite recent pains I'm trying to be understanding and as cool as I can.
The other feels betrayed, hurt, and generally like crap. I feel used. I feel...hollow. And yet I also feel angry. Angry at her, angry at the world. Angry at myself for being too "cool" with her "I just wanted some new friends, there's nothing weird going on with this guy" assurances and angry for some mistakes I made along the way that spiraled into huge issues that I admit I'm kinda angry that we never got to try and fix...in part because I'm starting to feel like as soon as they popped up she really stopped trying.
So I'm hurt, angry, and generally not a happy camper. Nothing really helps with this...though a number of things delay or diffuse some feelings for a time. All my friends of course want me to be okay, and I love them for it. But I'm not okay and I'm not sure how long it will take before I feel "okay."
The best I'm doing now is "okay enough to get up and face another day...such as it is."
Which I guess is better than the alternative.
But I was tired of dancing around the reasons, feelings, and issues and hence this post. It's probably more info than is customarily proper to post online but at this exact point I'm not too bothered by that detail. Partly because there are some folks who I don't talk to much due to space and opportunity that I like and enjoy interacting with who I'm sure are at least a wee bit curious about a few things and partly because I needed to talk more about this and nobody was around.
Which leads me to the worst part. The nobody being around. I look at the bed and think "we'll never sleep in the bed together again" I read a book and think "Oh I need to talk to her about this when she...oh wait." I have good news and a part of me wants to share it with her and another part is hurt that I still want to despite the fracturing of trust.
Most of the time I feel an odd mix of lonely and numb and I'm not sure when that's going to go away. Probably not for awhile and I'm not too happy with its company.
I was recently watching the old sci fi TV show Babylon 5 and there's a bit where they talk about "The Hour of the Wolf" And how it's that time between night and dawn where you feel alone, lost, and so on. And it's about that time now...which might have something to do with how I'm feeling. The Scandinavians used to believe it was when most people died and when the souls of the dead and demons would haunt man. And I feel that way now...haunted. Which I suppose might be part of it- some deep racial memory or something from some forgotten Viking ancestor pinging at the edge of my mind.
And I'd almost believe that. Except I feel that way a lot more between night and dawn.
