The Worst Thing You Ever Saw or Read Usually Isn't

I've seen this a few places lately. I don't know why but every once in a while people start asking about what the worst movie, book, TV show, etc... is and there are always tons of folks jumping in with comments about how horrible X was or how Y was crap.

Thing is, these people almost never actually come even a bit close to "the worst" of a medium or genre.

Seriously, if The Star Wars Prequels or Wheel of Time were the "worst" films or books you've ever experienced you are either a lucky lucky bastard or at least mildly delusional. Because for such admittedly somewhat uneven works to actually be the worst thing you've ever come across you'd have to miss a lot of real shit.

Of course, saying the worst movie you've ever seen was Freddie Got Fingered (which I still insist myself) doesn't garner the attention that saying you hate Star Wars does. Of course that can't be it, since it implies that many people given to such hyperbole are attention whores...and really that's gotta be unlikely, right? Right?

Uh-huh, right. We live in a world where folks will give money to a guy so he can buy and then smash a PS3 in front of a crowd of folks who didn't get one...attention whoring has reached something akin to an art form, mehtinks.

So anyway, Let's be brutally honest about what really sucks, shall we? Let's not complain about how Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is the worst film ever because you miss Tom Bombadil. If we must declare something the worst of the worst, let's dip into the well of deserved obscurity to find some real shit, shall we? Unless your worst movies ever list contains gems like Beyond the Wall of Sleep I can't see how we have anything more to talk about. If you're going to put Eddings, Jordan, or whoever on the worst sci-fantasy novelist list and you don't have Susan Wright, John Norman, or that person who tried to sell their Star Wars fanfic novel on Amazon well up towards the top of your list then we really don't have any common ground to tread.

So please, don't bother claiming that anything even a five folks you know thought was "okay" was the worst thing ever. Because it wasn't. At all. And all such behavior really does is make you look ignorant. Ignorant of what's really crap, but ignorant all the same.

Here is the List of More Cool Shit You Requested...

So it's that time again...more stuff from me that you should be reading, watch, playing, etc...

1) The 13 1/2 Lives of Captain Bluebear by Walter Moers (Book)

How in the hell did I miss this? This book has been availiable in English (its originally German as I understand it) for about 7 years and nobody even told me it existed? Whose job is it to tell me these things because they are fired.

In all seriousness, go out and buy this book right now. This is one of the most creative and fun novels I've ever read. If there was a smidge more justice in the world I am confident it would be Captain Bluebear and not Harry Potter who was the kid-friendly fantasy hero du jour. Lewis Carroll on LSD dreams of creating a world such as is contained in this book. Any attempts to describe it are futile, save that it is the book that anyone who even mildly enjoys fantasy should have been reading already.

One bit though, while kids can and should read this, it is rightly in the regular literature section at most bookstores. Which should make it easy enough to find..now go buy it. Really, you can read the rest of this list later.

2) Empire of the Wolves (Movie)

So this at first glance looks like a Jean Reno police drama from France. Then you start watching it and it starts to look like a serial killer movie. Then maybe it's an espionage story. And eventually you get it...it's all of these with a John Woo homage or two thrown in. The end result is very fun, very smart, and overall very cool.

3) Kull: Exile of Atlantis by Robert Howard (Book)

If you've never read Howard and you even kinda like fantasy...well, what are you waiting for? The man really was a fine writer who deserves more attention than just being "that Conan guy." Though even that's not so bad, since the Conan stories are really damned good.

But let's talk about Kull, who is the subject of the newest Howard collection. Kull is a bit more romantic and a bit more proactive than Conan, and he certainly has a better sense of humor than Howard heroes like Solomon Kane. This means Howard's Kull stories might be a good place for Howard neophytes to start.

4) Guitar Hero II (Video Game)

I probably don't have to tell most folks who play video games that Guitar Hero and its sequel are awesome. But just in case I do: They're awesome. That's really about all I have to say on that one. If you liked the first one, get the new one. Sure, I wished they'd put a few different songs on in some cases but since I can now play Jon the Fisherman, Message in a Bottle, Pyschobilly Freakout and Rock This Town on GH, I'm willing to put up with the occasional Lamb of God crapfest.

But Guitar Hero designers, for the third game? I have two words.

Johnny Freakin' Cash. C'mon, get with the program people!

5) Midieval: Total War 2 (Video Game)

I have a confession to make. I know a lot of folks complain about the AI on the Total War games. I know that at easier levels, Rome: Total War it was fairly easy to stomp your enemies with a small number of troops and basic tactics. And I've heard similar complaints about the newest game, Midieval: Total War 2.

And y'know. I don't really care. I rarely played out most battles anyway. I tend to let most of them automatically resolve, confident in the strength of my chosen commanders and my selection of troops. I mean, sure, I play out some big battles...but simulating every skirmish bores the crap out of me.

What makes the Total War series fun for me is the story it tells. Marriages, kids, alliances, etc.. makes for a fascinating dynastic element that for me makes the game worthwhile in spades. It could have killer AI and if I can't play Richard the Bloody of Denmark, son of William the Just, then I don't really care about a little extra RTS challenge.

6) The Prestige (Film)

Okay. Christopher Nolan, the director of Batman Begins and Memento. Plus Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, Michael Caine. David Bowie as Nikolai Tesla. Really, are you still even reading this? Get out and see this incredibly creative and well done film.

7) The Punisher: The Extended Cut (DVD)

Okay, so while a lot of critics and a fair number of filmgoers didn't like Thomas Jane's Punisher film...well, I say screw 'em. I enjoyed the hell out of it this film, which I generally think was one of the better done Marvel Comics film adaptations. And I for one am all over seeing even more of this film. And in a trend I hope continues in special editions, the film's prelude that was scrapped due to time and budget is going to be animated and included on the DVD. Now that's an extra.

8) The Equalizer (TV Show)

So Spike TV, after pissing me off by canceling their surprisingly good Blade TV series has won me back a bit by rerunning what I think might be the best done and least dated TV show of the 1980s. This tale of an ex-spy trying to redeem himself by helping the helpless is a fine piece of TV that still stands up today. Sadly, there's no DVD release planned that I have heard of but if you get Spike, set your Tivos or whatever and catch an episode or two, I think you won't be disappointed. Particularly cool about this show is the big buff hero is in fact aging, slightly paunchy Edward Woodward, who carries off an air of cool and competence in a way that you see more recently in distinguished actors like Ian McKellan. Woodward's Robert McCall is cool, smart, and utterly dangerous because the actor's talent makes him so.

Well there ya go, I wanted to hit ten, but I have to save some cool stuff for next time.

Enjoy More Things and Trust Me...You'll Enjoy More Things

This is sort of a link up to my earlier statements about me liking well-rounded people. The older I get the more I realize that the wider variety of stories, movies, plots, games, etc... I find fun and merit in the more likely I'll actually enjoy a randomly selected product from those categories.

I mean sure, total crap is still total crap, but I find I don't waste a lot of time declaring how my time was "utterly wasted" and feeling like I have to piss on someone else's work since more often than not I'm finding at least bits and pieces of various works that I like. For example, I might not feel the overwhelming urge to own Troy on DVD but I can still be really impressed and entertained by Eric Bana's performance as Hector.

Sadly, so many of my fellow geeks seem to do the opposite. I see a lot of complaints on a number of subjects that break down into three annoying categories:

1) It sucked because it's not part of the fairly limited group of things I am inclined to like and it wasn't stellar enough to overcome this...even if the actual work is, in fact, stellar.

Seriously, the next time you run across some geek who owns 100 different flavors of magical girl anime and trashes on something like Casablanca because they were secretly put off by the lack of Ingrid Bergman jumping onto Sam's Piano and yelling "Nazi Fighter Magic Transformation Go!" please punch them in the nuts for me.* If they try to defend this weird bias as some sort of objective failing of the creative work itself, feel free to slap them upside the head too.

2) It sucked because I'd already decided it.

You see this all the time. A so-so movie trailer, a book cover by an artist one doesn't care for, etc... and it doesn't matter if the work is in fact good, the mind is already made up. This usually goes hand in hand with the next reason which is...

3) It sucked because it's not the magical piece of crap in my head.

Oh dear god this is the worst. Seriously, every once and awhile you'll see some goofball talk about how he/she would have made a particular work "better." This might be fanfic, an internet forum post, or just a comment to this social circle but it's almost always utter shit. I encounter too many ideas along these lines that are in essence, "In my version we appeal only to my limited interests and eliminate anything I didn't like from the original and act like this is the one true way." These are the assholes who want a Batman film where Robin gets gang raped, a line for line translation of a novel to film with no regard for the difference in medium, or something equally craptastic.

They also bitch the loudest when someone messes with the "classic" version of a character or story. Problem is, their version of "classic" is whatever they were first exposed to. So a guy who started reading comics in the early 90s has a "Classic X-Men" line-up which includes Gambit and someone connected to Cable. And that's fine, but it's not classic in any sense of the word save that which exists in that person's head.

As an aside, I think this is how bad adaptations get made...the major difference being that the person with the magical piece of crap in their head sadly has a movie deal or something.

Anyway, I've found a great way to not fall into these traps and/or be an asshole about this kind of stuff is to try and read, watch, etc... some new stuff every once and awhile. And don't pick up something to reaffirm why you only read lesbian furry fantasy or whatever, actually give it a shot and even if it doesn't thrill you, recognize the stuff that does work or that you do appreciate.

And yes, that means you might be exposed to some crap. And hey, if you don't want to risk and that and want to stick with the safe stuff...then go nuts. But shut the hell up about the stuff you actually have little knowledge of. If you've never actually seen a western most fans of the genre would agree is at least entertaining, don't say they're boring. If the reason you don't like an author is because an ex-girlfriend loved him/her and raved about how they were better than your favorite writers but in fact you've never even read a single word of this person's work...own up to that or just shut up about it.

But if you actually do expose yourself to a variety of things I think you'll find that overall you're ability to enjoy various aspects of literature, film, and maybe even life increases. At the very least you can hold conversations about things other than Italian zombie films or dark fantasy rpgs. And believe or not, that is a useful skill.

* or kick 'em in the tits, I'm nothing if not a supporter of feminism.