Good and Bad Hate: A Tale of Two Comics

In the realm of recent comics there are few I hate more than Civil War and Nextwave.

Thing is, one kind of hatred is good. The other? Not so much...

What do I mean by this? Well let's start with Marvel's big crossover, Civil War.

I admit I don't think a comics event like Civil War should come so soon after House of M, Marvel's last big mega event. Despite the passage of about a year between the two it just seems rushed. People, writers and readers, are still adjusting to the fallout of House of M and along comes this new big event that changes everything...again. And Joe Quesada was criticizing DC for being off with Infinite Crisis.

That said, my overall hatred for Civil War is the good kind. I hate that Iron Man is a tremendous dick. I hate that Reed Richards is the world's smartest dumb guy. I hate that Spiderman got conned into revealing his secret identity. I certainly hate that SHIELD has turned bad and is getting psychotic supervillains to hunt down Captain freakin' America. Oh, and I hate that no one in the Marvel Universe seems to notice what a big fucking set up the whole thing was. And wow, do I hate that Iron Man and Mr. Fantastic thought it was a good idea to clone Thor to use as a heavy against their former friends who won't tow their crappy party line.

But all of that hatred is good. Because, as a long time comic reader...I can generally buy these things.

Iron Man is the same control freak dick who some years ago went after every person in the world who had a gadget based on some stolen technology of his. Hero, villain, government agency...didn't matter. That's right, the guy who made a lot of money selling weapons to the government and who has actually given his technology to various heroes over the years arbitrarily decided no one could be trusted with it and in some cases actually injured and killed some folks to "get back what's mine." Tony Stark, despite sometimes being a great hero, is a tremendous fucking cock. After all, this is the guy who has repeatedly lied about who's in his souped up tin can, especially after he's done something bad enough to face potential jail time.

And yet here he is trying to beat up guys who don't want to reveal their identities to a government that has at various points Red Skull as a cabinet member, wasted billions on genocidal anti-mutant robots that routinely go beserk, tried to replace Captain America with a bloodthirsty psycho (twice), and tried to invade Wakanda because they wanted all the cool shit in that country without having to engage in any of the humanitarian endeavors that nation stated was the "cost" of sharing such treasures. Why is Iron Man doing this? Well, because he is a control freak dick.

But hey, what about Reed Richards. Reed is a nice guy. And he's damned smart. Seems odd he'd do something so short-sighted and stupid, doesn't it?

Not really.

After all, Reed Richards is the same guy who took his best friend, girl friend, and her kid brother up into orbit to exposed to dangerous radiation because he wanted to see what would happen and/or didn't think to actually shield their spaceship from cosmic rays. He's the guy who almost lost his smoking hot girlfriend to a crazy aquatic anti-hero with bad hair and winged feet who invades the surface world every six months. So Reed's the smartest guy in the freakin' world...except when he's being mind numbingly stupid.

So I totally believe Reed would decide to follow Iron Man's asinine plan and would attempt to clone a god just to see if he could.

I believe SHIELD, an agency which once tried to kill its own head because it had been utterly and totally subverted by hostile forces, will recruit Bullseye and Venom and yet will try to grab Luke Cage at 12:01 AM the day the Registration Act Cage refused to abide by went active.

I believe that a fucked up clone of Thor, sans the actual god's wisdom and judgment, would go beserk and try to kill anyone his creators labeled as "enemy." And I believe a control freak, the world's smartest dumbguy, and a perpetually fucked up intelligence agency wouldn't see that coming.

I also believe that virtually no one is looking for the actual villain who started this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, these things suck. I hate them. And I totally buy them as happening in the Marvel Universe. Come to think of it, I totally buy them happening in the real world too, minus the capes and powers. Thus the emotional reaction Civil War creates in me is a positive one...even though it manifests mostly as anger and hatred at the believable stupidity of some of the characters.

Now let's talk Nextwave.

I've been told I don't get Nextwave. That I don't see why it's so damned subversively funny and all that. I've also been told why I don't like it, which usually is because I get "worked up" over changes to characters "nobody cares about."

But that's not true. I totally get it.

I get that to tell some fairly hackneyed gags I've already read in earlier works by the same author, Warren Ellis is rewriting comic history, ignoring continuity, and doing anything he likes in hopes of pissing off at least as many people as he entertains. I get that he's playing with these comic "sacred cows" of history, character consistency, continuity, etc.. and doing so with "minor" characters that "nobody" cares about. After all, it's not like any of these guys were created by Jack Kirby or led the Avengers* so it's not like he's doing this to deliberatly piss anyone off, it's just good fun with characters no one has ever been able to do anything with. After all, it's not like any of these folks were ever regulars in a major title or got a miniseries or something before he came along.**

I get that Ellis is a motherfucking rock and roll comics rebel who's trying to do for superhero parodies what he did for Hunter S. Thompson...repackaging it so that people who didn't read this kind of stuff the first time can experience it like it was fresh and new...and in some cases act like it didn't happen the first time.***

I get all that. I just don't think it's fucking funny. In fact, I think it's utterly boring.

And I can't help but remember this is the guy who got tired of the Authority after 12 issues and still can't finish Planetary. This is also the guy who tends to kill a lot of characters he doesn't create when given the chance and get credit for being edgy. This is the guy who repackaged and recycled scenes from the aforementioned Planetary to do a short fiction bit in White Wolf's rpg Adventure!.

So I get it. I'm just bored with reruns. Ellis' own, or his version of something I saw years ago. It's not clever to rewrite whole characters for a dick or sex joke. I get that I'm supposed to think it's gleefully irreverent and all that crap, but I can't help but see things like Nextwave's Civil War parody cover or Fing Fang Foom's rampage explained because he has no dick and think "Wow, a crossover parody cover and radioactive monster phallic humor...this is the best the guy who gave us Jack Hawksmoor and 'Dude, you Fantasti-suck' can do?"

So really, I get it.

I just hate it. And it's the bad kind of hate. It's not invoking an emotional reaction due to its content. It's invoking one due to its lack of same.

This is mostly because it's some seriously unfunny shit in my book that's better than even some admittedly "also-ran" Marvel characters deserve.

But partially it's because I suspect that if we switched Warren Ellis' name with Chuck Austen, Bendis, Claremont, or whoever else the internet hates this week people would be calling this piece of crap...a piece of crap.

And maybe I'd be a bit more charitable about this book if I haven't had to endure being labeled, insulted, and overall talked down to by its fans. And hey maybe I'm a bit prickly on the subject. As a lawyer, published writer, game designer, husband, and pretty damn well read guy who just happens to be a long time comic reader I get a bit annoyed when I'm told my understanding of something is inferior simply because I don't like it.

So maybe it's the fanboy reaction I hate and not Nextwave.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding? I hate both. And unlike my annoyed groans at Tony Stark's latest fuck up it's the bad kind of hate. It's the bored kind of hate. The "I could have written this crap myself once the theme of 'extreme in yer face revisionist parody' was set" kind of hate. It's the Big Fat Hate.

Actually, it's worse than that. It's the more sadistic, messier, pointless, and ultimately less interesting kind of hate.

Yes folks, it's the All-Star Batman & Robin kind of hate.

And who the hell am I to praise such an uneven and sometimes annoying but often entertaining Civil War writer Mark Millar over uneven and sometimes annoying but often entertaining Nextwave writer Warren Ellis?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm the goddamned Jack, man.

* Both of these things, of course, are actually true of two of the characters in Nextwave.

** Wrong in every case with Nextwave except for Captain Big Grown-Up Naughty Word, who is Ellis' way of oh so slying pointing out past stupid Captain titled characters in Marvel, the vast majority of which haven't been seen in over a decade. Way to be current, Warren.

*** Seriously, I can provide a decent list of superhero parodies in a similar vein from Martial Law to JLI to the Pro. The big difference here is that unlike most similar works, Ellis is getting to use the actual characters and not thinly veiled knock-offs.

Here is the List of Cool Shit You Requested.

When my friend Joe last came to visit he asked me to post a list to my blog of cool stuff that I think most people I know would like but which they might not be reading, watching, etc... I already mentioned Rogue's Gallery a few entries back and I've sung the praises of Brick, but here's some more stuff to look for.

So here goes. In no particular order:

1) American Way (comic)

This limited series from Image Comics is utterly wonderful and actually manages to find a new take on the "heroes with feet of clay" idea. Set in the 60s, it profiles a government superteam's collapse but really, it's a lot more than that. Check it out if you like superheroes pretty much at all.

2) The Areas of My Expertise (book)

John Hodgeman might just be the master of dry wit and subtle parody. Anyone who thinks his Mac "I'm a PC" or Daily Show appearances are even a bit amusing owes it to themselves to buy this book.

3) Pride of Baghdad (graphic novel)

Want to see what's worse than being a human being in the middle of a warzone? Love yourself some animal allegories? Check out this graphic novel by Runways writer Brian K. Vaughan.

4) Snake Agent: A Detective Chen Novel (book)

So this book is...hrm...Chinese Mysticpunk? Author Liz Williams has managed to actually do something incredibly new with her tale of demons, celestial hiearchies, cyberpunk futures, and gritty occult crimes. It could be a mess, but instead it's a refreshing and skillfully written novel.

5) Okami (Video Game- PS2)

So you think the older game consoles have pretty much done all they can, huh? Well, maybe you're right...now that Okami has been released. It's a fighting and calligraphy platformer. No, you read that right. You play a goddess in wolf form who has to save the world from a great darkness. Beautiful and blissfully mythic, I can't recommend it enough.

6) Legion of Super Heroes (Cartoon)

Okay, so it's not perfect and won't satisfy all the hardcore fans because...well, because nothing ever does. However, it's incredibly entertaining, has some smart character designs, and is a pleasant mix between JLU and Teen Titans. They do change a few characters, but this long time Legion fan thinks that they got the important stuff right.

7) The Descent (Movie)

Forget Hostel, Cabin Fever, Saw I-III, and all that gore before plot crappy "XXXtreme" horror that has become so popular because of hacks like Eli Roth (whose flaws as a filmmaker based on his first two works will actually take me all day to discuss, maybe some other time). Descent is what happens when you let a good director go over the edge with blood and violence. I know there's been some complaints about the US ending being changed, but a) the director did it himself 2) I actually think the US ending works better in some ways. In any event, check this horror film out if you want something creative and scary as hell.

8) Essential Tales of the Zombie (Comic Trade Paperback)

Holy crap! I almost missed this one, folks. This is Marvel 1970s horror comics at if not their finest, at least it's close. The collection is black and white like all Essentials, but really I think it works almost better given the subect matter.

9) Aragami: Raging God of Battle (Movie)

Sure this film is several years old but I don't think most people have seen it. And really they need to. This is a textbook example of what a skilled filmmaker can do in a week with five actors (and really only 3 show up for any length of time) and one set. It also shows how crazy high concept action can be done on a budget and just for the challenge and joy of making films. If you're an aspiring writer, director, etc... watch this film the next time you think what you're trying to do is "too hard" or "can't be done." Also, anyone who likes samurais fighting evil vampire like gods really can't go wrong here.

10) Life on Mars (TV Show)

Ever wondered what it takes to make a TV cop show fresh and new again? How about taking a 2006 cop and sending him to a 1970s London which might also be inside his own comatose brain? Add one of the coolest supporting characters ever in crime fiction (I'm looking at you DCI Hunt) and you get a damned fine BBC offering that is well worth whatever you have to do to check it out.

11) Sharpe's ______ (Book Series)

Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe's series is a fairly rare beast. It's a deservedly popular military adventure series that can actually appeal across generations. Sharpe, the title character of the series, is utterly badass and yet also flawed and human. In many ways, Sharpe is the Sergeant Rock of 19th Century historical fiction, and those who haven't at least given Sharpes Rifles (the first novel) a shot really should. The BCC adaptations with Sean Bean are also incredibly entertaining.

12) Privelege of the Sword (Book)

Ellen Kushner can write a damn fine swashbuckling tale. Technically a fantasy novel due to it's completely fictional setting, this book really owes more to The Three Musketeers than Lord of the Rings. No magic, no elves, no dark evil conquerors, etc... Just a young girl and her crazy uncle thrown into a world of intrigue, romance, and swordplay. This is exactly the kind of stuff sci-fi fantasy writers need to be working on instead of writing up their D&D campaigns.

There we are, a short and incomplete list, but it's a place to start.

I Like Well Rounded People

Recently I've been getting really annoyed at my fellow "geeks." Too often I find some person spouting about how stupid X was or how Y can't be aprreciated by people who "really understand" what's "wrong" with it.

And I do mean really annoyed. A few times in the past year or so I've found out that some person I've encountered casually and not enjoyed interacting with has died or suffered some terrible turn of fortune that means that they won't be posting on certain message boards or attending certain events or what have you and I find myself thinking "Well, on the bright side they won't be around to annoy the hell out of me with arbitrary proclaimations of how everything they like is golden and everything else is crap."

So yeah, I guess that kinda makes me a dick. But at least I can endeavor to be an honest one. My estimation of someone's worth and interest is proportional to how well rounded they are and how well rounded they try to be.

Why? Simple. Well rounded folks have to overcome more empathy to be a raging cockmonkey. They can still do it. I see it all the time. But at least those folks are motivated in their aberrant behavior. They aren't casually and lazily arrogant in ways you see so often.

Particularly online. If I had a nickel for every time I've read some internet post that follows the format of "People who like X aren't as cool and smart as those of us who like Y" or the ever popular "Z sucks" sans any explanation or reasoning I could probably finance a hit on all the people who annoyed me by saying those things.

And in my experience, it's the folks who at least try and see multiple sides of an argument, conversation, or even a piece of entertainment who tend not to act in such an abrasive and annoying fashion. They also tend not to throw up the old "I know I said only a retarded monkey fucker would like that book/movie/whatever, but stop being mean to me! It's my opinion and you're horrible for saying you think it sucks. I can say what I want! Stop telling me how to act, you Nazi!" and usually don't get all bent out of shape if you disagree with them.

Also, well rounded folks tend to actually enjoy things more.

No really, I'm sure there's someone out there who wants to scream about dilluted focus and a lack of deeper understanding but come the fuck on...if you haven't read the Odyssey you won't get references to it in DC Comic's 52. It's actually just that simple. Sure, you might still enjoy that work for other reasons and miss the reference, but the guy who recognized and appreciated it just enjoyed it more.

Also, I'm not just talking about whether or not someone likes doing something, I'm talking about trying a few new things and spending a minute or two let the acceptance take that there are usually reasons that other people like the things you don't that have nothing to do with any innate superiority on your part. I'm also talking about being willing to step outside one's comfort zone every once and awhile without acting like it's utter torture. Go to that ball game with your grandpa and don't bitch about how you hate sports, let your DC comic reading friend talk about his favorite book to your Marvel loving ass, and maybe realize the bored retail monkey who won't let you break store policy is just trying to get through his day without getting crap from the boss. And when you do all of these things, pay attention to the people around you. See if you can understand why they're happy, sad, angry, or excited.

And if the answer comes back "because they're stupid and I'm better than they are because I only do cool things and engage in perfectly righteous behavior" or any such variation then look again. Look harder. Look until you're damned sure that's the case and you can defend that position from a hundred reasoned arguments to the contrary.

Because if you can't, odds are in those cases the maladjusted dipshit in the room (or the chat room for you shut ins) is you.

And that's fine, until you actually want someone to accept that idea...or you as a person. I know a lot of lonely not terribly well-rounded folks of various stripes. I don't really them, but I do know them.

I'm not really going anywhere with this, I just kinda wanted to say it. I normally try to gives these posts a bit more cohesion, but this particular "thought of the day" is just a fairly random musing.

Explicit Lyrics Labels on CDs are Fucking Silly

Yeah, I know...startling revelation here. Real circa 1986.

However, I have a specific and recent example of exactly why said explicit lyric labels are silly that I want to share.

So I recently bought the 2 CD set Rogue's Gallery. For those who don't know...and I'm guessing that's most of you, this is a collection of sea shanties and other similar songs covered by modern musicians. The CD was produced by Johnny Depp and Gore Verbinski, who you might remember from a little remembered pirate movie a few years back. There was a sequel this year too, but I don't think it did that well.*

Anyhoo, Rogue's Gallery has no explicit lyrics sticker on it. None. Nothing that cautions folks that there might be terribly naughty words on the songs.

Now I can see a few folks wondering "Well, why would it? I mean it's not like it's gangsta rap."

And that's true. Gangsta rap is much cleaner. In fact, Rogue's Gallery contains what I am fairly sure is the dirtiest song ever, the Good Ship Venus.

No, really.

Really, really.

Fine, don't believe me? Don't think some old sailing songs can match modern music for profanity and suggestive lyrics?

Here's just the first part of the lyrics, but tell the kiddies to go into the other room.

No, I'll wait.

...

...

Okay, here we go:

On the Good Ship Venus
By Christ you should have seen us
The figurehead was awhore in bed
Sucking a dead man's penis.

The captain's name was Lugger
By Christ he was a bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
From one place to another

The second mate was Andy
By Christ, he had a dandy
Till they crushed his cock on a jagged rock
For cumming in the brandy

And then it gets downright rude.**

Now please don't think I like such labels. Personally I think they're stupid and generally useless. But if stores and companies are going to use them, then they should enedavor to be consistent. I mean, don't just stick them on fairly tame "gangsta" and "alternative" music. Try and get the really nasty stuff.

But maybe one incredibly dirty song wasn't enough to warrant a sticker.

Good thing there's more where that came from...

We've got Nick Cave singing about Fire Down Belowwith a virtuous parson's daughter cautioning the sailors "All of you are bound for hell to feed the fucking fires." Pretty harsh for a churcman's get but then the parson did caution earlier in the song "Look here you motherfuckers if you lead a life of sin then there's fire down below!" so she probably comes by it honestly.

We've got the second dirtiest song ever, Gavin Friday's version of Baltimore Whores, which is about four ladies of the evening talking about how large their...ahem...well, how much they can accommodate in a particular orifice. I won't spoil the details, but ships and various animals are used in their boasts.

Now to be fair, some of the songs aren't all that dirty. Sting's Blood Red Roses is clean and Cave's other offering, Pinery Boy, is devoid of profanity. Songs by Bono, John C. Reilly, and other are pretty clean too.

But even with cleaner tracks, a whore sucking a dead man's penis just doesn't get you stickered in the record store like it used to.

Oh yeah, in case you haven't figured it out yet...Rogue's Gallery is awesome. If you can handle the profanity of some of the songs, it's worth the 20 bucks for the 2 CD set.

And who knows? You might learn something about the history of sea travel, song, and even the times when the song's were written. For example, Jack Shit's cover of Boney is a great musical history in brief of a particular diminuitive dictator of the 19th Century.

And if you can't handle the profanity, that's fine. You might want to give it a pass.

Wuss. :D

* Yes, Virginia, that's sarcasm.

** Yes the Sex Pistols covered this song too under the title Frigging in the Rigging but their version added nothing but a chorus and honestly isn't as dirty as this one.