Your Internet Sucks...

Recently I've been realizing that I don't use the internet for a lot of things other people I know do. And since we're talking a lot of geeks here, the net of what people do use this crazy series of brass tubes and trained messenger squirrels for is cast pretty wide. This tendency of me to be the old guy on the porch sometimes causes issues. Usually not, but from time to time I simply refuse to be informed about some things via the net that others seem to love.

Like what sorts of things? Funny you asked, I just happen to have a list:

1) Comics

This is the big one. Please stop trying to talk to me about comics based on internet rumormills, previews, discussions on places like Newsarama, and so on. Especially comics that aren't out yet. I don't mind the occasional facebook note or thread on a forum but I am so sick of net-based comics culture I want to fucking scream.

Why? Two reasons: Everything is a big fucking deal and nobody wants to actually read the damned books anymore. Before a single issue of a remotely popular book comes out these days it's been previewed, discussed, spoiled, dissected, and bitched about. The artist and writer have been demonized, insulted, and the like. The issues and plot points raised in the story have been torn into itty bitty pieces and everything has been reacted, and overreacted to, and anyone who doesn't agree with the prevailing opinion is of course mocked and insulted. Hell, when the issue comes out it's almost anti-climactic and virtually nobody who had already pre-judged it has anything new to say. Their minds are made up and it's all just months more of the same "Look at me!" spectacle.

Now I realize this makes me a bitter old man on the subject. Y'know what though? I am a bitter old man who thoroughly enjoys many a comic book. Who gets to see stories actually unfold and plot twists actually happen. It's totally worth it. Really. People should try it, unless it's really the drama and attitude that attracts. Then go nuts, but shut the fuck up around me about who dies, who comes back, who's the "real bad guy", and most of all how "bad and poorly written" the whole thing is. Because really, I'm not listening to you. At all. You're just getting in the way of my personal interaction via funny books with the artists and writers. And it really seems like my way is more fun.

2) Video Games

See comic books. Now here I like to see some dev diaries and the the like a bit more than comics, but then those are basically a mixture of self torture and whetting my appetite for the game to come. I don't care if you played my favorite game and just have to tell me how bad it is or talk about how stupid the developers are and how they are going to mess it up. Because, at least on this subject, to me you have absolutely nothing useful to say. So stop bothering me. Go play some game you like...maybe I'll even play it and we can talk about something positive.

And no, I don't care what some friend of yours told you who is a beta tester. He might be an idiot. If he can give me actual reasons, cool and maybe I'll want to hear it then. But mostly it's more of the same "he says it sucks." Shrug. I say tomatoes suck, but I know plenty of people who love them and to them my declaration doesn't mean dick. Same applies here.

3) Movies

Noticing a trend? Much the same but with one exception. I like to talk about the actors, plots, and craft of filmmaking. I really do. I'll do so online or in person. But if all you can say over and over again are vague and annoying comments like "You liked it? It was so boring! Really it was bad!" to me? Shut up. That's not a conversation, that's the end of a conversation. And without more info, it's a nearly useless thing to say.

Also, movies and games both suffer from much the same prejudging crap as comics. The number of times I've seen someone say "I don't need to see/play/read this to know how bad it is, I just know!" online is legion. And every time it makes the person who says it that much dumber. This goes double for people who've never done a creative thing in their life outside their livejournal or a class project who go on and on about how they could do things so much better than a particular director, actor, etc... Because generally they can't. In fact they can't so aggressively the attempts to prove they can are often simultaneously hilarious and heart-wrenching.

Because no you don't know. You might have a guess based on limited information. But that's it. And unfortunately the net is all about limited information. There's a wealth of info to be sure, but it's buried under lies, opinions, crap, and sometimes blocked by the user's inability to research or reason through it all. This is why people like citations in technical internet discussions. Because most people are wise enough, no matter how foolish they otherwise are, to want something to back up crazy talk.

Anyway, getting off track. Other things:

4) How hot or ugly someone is.

After the sixteenth "Why do people think Megan Fox is hot?" internet query followed by some chubby girl or guy squeezed into an ill-fitting outfit who looks like they haven't slept in days being met with "OMG, you are a goddess!" I have determined that nearly none of you motherfuckers can be trusted to tell me how pretty someone is. I make some exceptions for friends, but after a buddy of mine told me Pauly Perette was, and I quote "Not hot at all" one time I decided that I need to be careful there too. I mean no offense by this, you probably shouldn't listen to me on this topic either. Though at least I think Megan and Pauly are damned pretty, so that might at least tell you I'm not totally mad.

5) The Law

Yes, I'm a lawyer. No, I don't want to talk about it. I went that route before and even occasionally do in some cases but after being told I didn't know my chosen profession despite the facts that I went to a top tier school for and have been practicing in for several years now because of something someone read on Wikipedia...well, I just have to say fuck it.

What's more, as a lawyer I caution all of you reading this to not listen to anything told to you online from anyone you don't know who is a lawyer. It's a recipe for getting into trouble. Because while Uncle Bob might have heard if you wave your penis at the cops and yell about molesting children they'll just assume you're nuts and leave you alone I can tell you that most of what laymen like Uncle Bob tells you is crap. It's, at best, half right (and that example is not right at all, by the way).

There are more, and some day I might write them all down. But that's good for now.